Thursday, October 9, 2008

who i am - where i am...

as i mentioned in the last post i am working with my husband this week at his booth at the catalyst conference. so far, it's been amazing! we've had some great responses from people regarding our services all while being able to hear some amazingly encouraging speakers and worship our god through song with some extremely talented musicians.

this post is different than any of my other posts. it's personal. but i feel led to share about my day. don't read this with caution in my regard. i realize this post may not be for everyone. i'm proud of it. of what god is doing or what he can do. some of you are {ah} clients. some of you are agents who only know me in the corporate world. some of you are dear friends and family. and others - complete strangers. this is who i am. this is where i am with my god. i hope this impacts all of you in some sort of way for his glory in some way.

there are times in my life where i feel like i've got "it." and times in my life where i feel far away from "it." i feel like i used to have "it" and i think i lost "it."

craig groschel spoke about "it" today.

when i say "it" i am referring to that closeness with god. that voice in the back of your head that you listen to when you hear it. that direction and guidance. that push. that intimacy.
lately, i've been feeling like i'm on the outside looking in - at "it" through a window. i can see it, maybe even hear it, and most of the time i think it should impact me, but i don't let it. something is in the way. even when i seek it - i don't allow myself to feel it. i've suppressed it. like i don't want to hear it, or i'm scared to. my heart has gotten hard. i've protected it - too much. craig said something today that struck me. he said that often times we don't allow ourselves to feel pain. or to feel that movement in us - it's like we are afraid. i know i get afraid sometimes. i've taught myself to be above the pain. i burry whatever difficulties i go through. that's the way i cope. that's the way i got through my childhood. but over the years i'm realizing it is making me numb to a lot of things. craig encouraged me today to allow myself to feel that pain or to feel that movement inside of me. to allow god to use it,to allow him to ruin me to bring me closer to him.
i realized that i need to be more open and transparent and honest. i realized that i won't ever be better if i don't confess where i struggle in life and admit it!
i know there is more in me. i want god to stretch me. i want him to help me to allow myself to experience stuff. i'm learning.
craig asked those of us who feel like we had "it" but lost "it" to stand tonight.
i stood. i listened to "it" for the first time in a while. it took some encouraging, it didn't just happen as soon as he asked. i was nervous. prideful more than anything. but i did it. i stood and admitted to those around me that lately i've been missing "it."

god is good! there's no one like him. he's relentless, unconditional and perfect.
i'm so thankful for him!
thankful that he could love me - someone who doesn't put enough effort into him.

i hope this made sense.
i hope this affected you.
it's time for bed.